No Laundry Before Bedtime, a Cautionary Tale
"No, sirree, there's no telling what the outcome will be," she drew in on her cigarette. Only now it was a cigar. And the Oracle had morphed into Jiminy Cricket. "No, sirree." Puff. Puff. "Doesn't matter if it's a lamb and a lion, a wolf and a rooster, or an elephant and a donkey. If you could get the two together in any sort of a civilized fashion at all, you just might come up with something totally unexpected. That's what's so exciting about it." He pointed a finger at me. Do crickets have fingers?
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  • Leftover Salmon is breaking up or taking a break?
    Leftover Salmon after 15 yrs says no more.. a hiatus or good-bye for good? read more..

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  • Leftover Salmon is breaking up or taking a break?
    Leftover Salmon after 15 yrs says no more.. a hiatus or good-bye for good? read more..

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  • Mark Karan interview - 4/21/01
    Mark Karan interview

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  • Railroad Earth
    With nearly 400 shows and tens of thousands of road miles now behind them, Railroad Earth has become a staple on the national touring and festival scene, and built a huge following of loyal fans that document and trade every note they play, and often join them on the road for multiple nights. These fans call themselves “Hobos,” and the band considers them to be the fuel that keeps this engine chugging along. Railroad Earth’s next album is planned for release in Spring 2004. Till then the band will continue to bring their music to the stage from East to West. So keep an ear to the ground and listen for Railroad Earth, because they'll be rolling through your town very soon.

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  • ten2nine
    "I hate to break the news to you, but you guy's may have finally put all the pieces together. This new ep is the best work I've heard from you ever! The writing, lyrics and music is superb, the performance is top notch and [Jim Leguilloux's] production gives it a true professional gloss." - Ron Gilmour, Power 104 Kelowna, BC

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  • Metharia
    The debut on the band was on 18th January 2000, when Metharia won the festival "Le Quattro Notti Rock." In June 2003 they are one of the three winners of the "NMC festival,' in Marcerta winning the award for the best live performance.

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  • Signal Path
    Armed with new jungle juice, they are warming up and ready to play. They opened up with a latenight show in Atlanta and continued on to Mountain View Jam Festival in North Carolina. Coast to coast, they'll be working their way to SummerCamp, Wakarusa, and High Sierra Music Festival.

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  • T-Band
    Jim Dooney plays guitar and does most of the lead vocals. He is great at getting everyone involved in the fun by taking requests or choosing the perfect song for any situation. Amy Anderson plays the stand up bass and sings harmony. Amy is the musical backbone of the band. Her playing punch and solid timing keeps us all together in our all acoustic environment. Robert Griffith plays banjo and sings harmony. Rob drives the band with lightning fast fingers and great improvising skills. Rich Egan plays mandolin and does some vocals. Rich keeps your feet tapping and your fingers snapping with his rhythm chops and is great at playing tasteful solos."

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  • Shanti Groove (September 2003)
    Shanti's groove moves along acoustical and electrical lines, combining the voice of jazz and rock with back porch bluegrass and funktified percussion. Bringing their unique sound to venues nationwide, the band provides a musical celebration of the 'groove' kind.

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  • Kelly's running column
    In this column I want to talk to you about Ghent. Ghent is the capital of the province East-Flanders in Belgium, a small country in Europe, and has about 225, 000 inhabitants.

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  • Kelly's running column
    In this column I want to talk to you about Ghent. Ghent is the capital of the province East-Flanders in Belgium, a small country in Europe, and has about 225, 000 inhabitants.

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  • Curious Yellow (August 2003)
    After fronting a couple bands in the mid 90s in California and spending the next several years developing his musical and songwriting talents in Japan and Minneapolis, Adam Lancaster landed in Denver in 2000 and founded the band. The band took on many formations and seemingly endless lineup changes for about a year until the perfect complimentary additions of Gregg Rosenthal (drums), Josh Eckhoff (guitar), and Matt Novack (bass, vocals) created a sound and style beyond what Adam could have hoped for. This new talented group immediately began writing songs and reworking old songs to create music and a performance that attracts and engages every listening audience. The personal and musical bond between each member deepened quickly and the dedication from everyone to develop the band to its fullest possibilities is evident.

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  • New Monsoon (June 2003)
    Utilizing congas, timbales, tabla, banjo, bongos, Dobro, ghatham, Didgeridoo, electric and acoustic guitars, bass, drum kit and keys, the band offers a plethora of textures, rhythms, ideas and moods. New Monsoon absorbs elements of sound indigenous to world culture and incorporates them into a variety of colorful and original rhythmic compositions.

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  • One Way Rider (May 2003)
    "One Way Rider has taken Nashville by storm! It was an honor to have them perform on the Interstate Radio Network a network of over twenty stations that broadcast from Music City and airs nationwide and in Canada. Locally in Nashville, the IRN broadcast on WSM 650 AM, the home of the Grand Ole Opry. The response was great! We cant wait to have them come back on the air and play for us again. It was so good to be with folks that live and love the bluegrass way, truly a blessed family. David and Valerie are a great example of what a family can accomplish together."

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  • Smokestack (January 2003)
    “The quality of playing blew me away. All four guys were stars, but that keyboard player is a superstar. Very Hornsby in his writing and singing, very Medeski with his jams. I have had the CD for a few months, and being a little familiar with the songs impressed me even more.” CanJam News Toronto, Canada

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  • The Miltones (December 2002)
    Formed in the summer of 2000, the Miltones have already performed over 350 shows in under 28 months. Their high volume of gigs has enabled the band to mature and explore a range of musical directions that make them a formidable artistic act. Simultaneously their music seems to embrace a level of healing and celebration that make them both accessible and fortunate for the audiences they have attracted.

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  • Ripple (November 2002)
    When Ripple started out in an Old Tappan, NJ basement during early 1978, none of us thought we would be discussing the possibilities of playing together for 25 years. But that’s exactly what happened. From the early day’s of playing friends parties (usually when the Parent’s were away) to all the great nightclubs and other interesting venues we’ve performed at during the years, we’ve met some amazing people and formed life long friendships that will long out live the Band.

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  • Ray Charles died today at 73.
    Ray Charles dead at 73

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  • Fair To Midland (September 2002)
    Brett Stowers and Nathin Seals offer a rhythmic passion that leads the humble gentlemen in their avant-garde sound. The unearthed discord and unconventional cries of frontman Andrew Sudderth infused with guitarist Cliff Campbell's melodic fury tumble into a captivating creation of sonics, cultures, and confusion. Combined with the subtle offering of Matt Langley on keys, FTM glides past the expected boundries and gracefully throws their intense rock harmonies to the flame.

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  • The Few (July 2002)
    "We did it in chunks, whenever he was available," says Burnside. "Living there, and playing in the clubs, it raises your game." The result, an explosive, hooky collection that echoes Burnside's love of the Replacements and fascination with the Cure, is startling from a 22-year-old who took up guitar only three years ago.

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  • One Cat Left (May 2002)
    Pete’s former association with TOM MARSHALL of PHISH led to the band AMFIBIAN. It was here in this situation that Pete found his voice and his motivation..

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  • Grateful Web Interview with Madison House and SCI Ticketing
    SCI interview

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  • Leftover will be calling it quits at years end.
    Leftover Salmon are saying goodbye..

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  • AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TREY 05.25.04
    Phish is coming to end..

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  • Sativa Gumbo (April 2002)
    Sativa Gumbo

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  • Yamagata update
    Yamagata

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  • Yamagata (June 2001)
    Yamagata

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  • JSwine (October 2000)
    JSwine

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  • Mark Karan (August 2000)
    Mark Karan

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  • Moses Guest (September 2000)
    Moses Guest

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  • Uncle Sammy (July 2001)
    Uncle Sammy

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  • Solomon Grundy (April 2001)
    Solomon Grundy

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  • Tonal Vision (May 2001)
    Tonal Vision

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  • Cosmic Dust Devils (December 2001)
    Cosmic Dust Devils

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  • Purple Buddah (November 2001)
    Purple Buddah

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  • Trey Anastasio's band - by Jonathan Coker
    Well, I did not go to any of Trey Anastasio's summer tour. I saw him during his fall tour. Needless to say I was not impressed. I had a chance to catch him in Charlotte, NC this summer, but decided to catch Panic in Myrtle Beach, SC instead..

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  • Censorship is the Answer? - by Rachel
    Apparently, Clear Channel Communications and whoever makes decisions there has been very, very touchy about the terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C. The media giant has formulated a list of over 100 songs that will be banned from its stations..

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  • George Harrison - by Mike Macchi
    I was born in 1965, the same year The Grateful Dead was born and the year that the songs that would land on the Beatles' landmark album "Rubber Soul" were probably starting to gel in the minds of the newly turned-on Fab Four..

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  • Insecticide (inspired by Kafka) - by Mike Marzol
    There is a place I remember as being the last place I remember. I'll ask you kindly not to judge me too strongly as I recall the details of the onset of my present condition. There were situations there....Living creatures wore the skin of dead ones. I saw things moving in unnatural ways..

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  • Byrne Other Ones' review - by Jennifer Sarnoff
    here is the set list, which you've probably already checked out on the websites. the songs that have asterisks are ones that Susan Tedeski joined in on. I don't even think they announced her at the show, b/c the whole time we all kept saying, who is that???

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  • Happy New Year from Africa! -by Pamela
    Adjusting to a life of solitude has been somewhat challenging, but I'm sure times will easier once my Swahili improves and I become busy with projects.

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  • Happy Valentine's Day... from Africa!
    There are a few Muslims around in this part of the country, but they do not at all appear to be threatening. The only adverse attitudes we volunteers have encountered is the occassional "Osama!" shouted out at us from little boys, usually only in the bigger cities.

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  • Hamjambo?
    Here it is nearly "winter" and getting very chilly in the Southern Highlands. Not like Nebraska winter chilly, but with no central heating or insulation and lots of drafty cracks in the house, certainly CHILLY.

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  • Greetings from South Africa
    Apparently links have been found between the diamond and tanzanite mining companies in Kenya with Al Qaeda, and the British and American governments are making a big deal out of it. People who I have talked to from Kenya think this is all totally absurd, and are pleading for the ban to be lifted because, as one of them said, "the tourism industry has been brought to its knees."

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  • Pamela's Xmas in Africa
    The change in seasons here is as abrupt as elsewhere in Africa, from last month bone dry and blazing forest, field and brush fires all around, adding smoke to the already dusty air and to now flash flood downpour every afternoon, usually clearing off to a cool crisp evening and a fresh sky of sparkling stars.

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  • Hamjambo? An update from Pamela
    We had very interesting conversations, covering a broad range of topics from Tiananmen Square and democratic reform in China to of course basketball! And what made it even more interesting were that these conversations were in three languages: Chinese, English and Swahili!

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  • Zambia & Victoria Falls
    What stuck me the most, besides the sheer force and pounding loudness of the water, was the incredible intense colors of the contrasting blue sky, white clouds, dark brown rock, vibrant green plant life, and of course the multiple RAINBOWS in the mist!

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  • FLOATER: Factory Tea Bagger
    'I dont do drugs' he said with a straight face and wild white pupiled eyes, going over to the throw away damaged tea pile, producing Bengal Spice tea bags. 'Put this between your toes when you go to sleep' he said, 'clear it right up.'

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  • FLOATER: Newspaper Carrier
    Camille the deaf mother is her own business, whether she like’s it or not, understands it or not. If she and her 11 year old son are getting up at 1:30am to work for $1.50 an hour, that’s their own business, not the papers, not the State of Colorado’s.

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  • FLOATER: Newspaper Carrier
    Camille the deaf mother is her own business, whether she like’s it or not, understands it or not. If she and her 11 year old son are getting up at 1:30am to work for $1.50 an hour, that’s their own business, not the papers, not the State of Colorado’s.

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  • Ideology Maintaining Structure; The necessity of gender roles in the public/private dichotomy
    However, these "June Cleaver" images have been very effective in getting women to take pride in their role as a housewife--reinforcing their own oppressive location in the hierarchal structure of American social relations.

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  • FLOATER: Production Assistant
    I drove Loni during a night shoot at Elitch Gardens in a golf cart. Just her and I, weaving through the deserted amusement rides under the stars. Surreal. Truth was, Loni and The Hulk were very, very nice people. Loni treated me better then any of the production people, always thanking me for anything I did, and every time kids stopped the Hulkster he would spend time signing autographs.

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  • FLOATER: Boulder County Jail
    A window opened on the floodlit interior courtyard, containing a grassy area and a basketball court. We strolled past big windows looking in on prisoners in different categories. One framed a room of strange, obese men. One had long thin threads of white hair. Another was shaved bald. All seemed to float about the room, oddly aloof, like manatee’s at Sea World. Was Floater going in there? Eeeek!

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  • Air and Water Propulsion Guy: First Attempt
    We were at the YMCA of Estes Park, and I took the kids to a rocket class. I've never been the same since....

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  • The Dead @ Garden State Arts Center - N.J.
    The first night (8/10) was really nice. We had outstanding weather, and the crowd was mellow. As always there was lots of fun to be had in the parking lot and on the lawn. I like PNC--the people who work there aren't total JERKS like many people at Jones Beach. On the way into the show we saw some interesting things..

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  • The Dead @ Garden State Arts Center - N.J.
    The first night (8/10) was really nice. We had outstanding weather, and the crowd was mellow. As always there was lots of fun to be had in the parking lot and on the lawn. I like PNC--the people who work there aren't total JERKS like many people at Jones Beach. On the way into the show we saw some interesting things..

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  • The Dead @ Garden State Arts Center - N.J.
    The first night (8/10) was really nice. We had outstanding weather, and the crowd was mellow. As always there was lots of fun to be had in the parking lot and on the lawn. I like PNC--the people who work there aren't total JERKS like many people at Jones Beach. On the way into the show we saw some interesting things..

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  • Short history lesson on the privilege of voting
    For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms. When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

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  • Short history lesson on the privilege of voting
    For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms. When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

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  • Air and Water Guy: Water fighting Bald Faced Hornets
    On reflection, This was a foolish attempt by amateurs, and if I did indeed want to attempt another foolish attempt by amateurs, I would do so in the rain, the temperature under 55 Degrees, with a face mask.

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  • Air and Water Guy: Water fighting Bald Faced Hornets
    On reflection, This was a foolish attempt by amateurs, and if I did indeed want to attempt another foolish attempt by amateurs, I would do so in the rain, the temperature under 55 Degrees, with a face mask.

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  • Air and Water Guy: Water fighting Bald Faced Hornets
    On reflection, This was a foolish attempt by amateurs, and if I did indeed want to attempt another foolish attempt by amateurs, I would do so in the rain, the temperature under 55 Degrees, with a face mask.

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  • Johnny Apple Last Mile Seed
    We will personally connect the "last mile" of optic fiber to every home we can, until we die. For Global Crossing. For people. For Country.

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  • “Grateful” for electricity
    I’m thankful I live on a power grid with a Fire House. I was only without power for 42 hours……lots and lots of my friends still have no electric or phones and it’s been 5 days. But our President is touring the area today so all ‘s well……another HA!!!!

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  • “Grateful” for electricity
    I’m thankful I live on a power grid with a Fire House. I was only without power for 42 hours……lots and lots of my friends still have no electric or phones and it’s been 5 days. But our President is touring the area today so all ‘s well……another HA!!!!

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  • ARNOLD Scares Americans In Hollywood & Washington
    ARNOLD, McCain, Guiliani, & Zel Miller all suceeded to reaffirm how scared Americans have become. Despite many of them not agreeing with Bush over gun control, abortion rights, enviornmental policies, etc -- the big shot republicans, those considerate moderator and attractive to the independent voters were out in full force at the Republican National Convention. Well, it worked. ach concentrated his attacks on Kerry, particulary Zel Miller, a really angry democrat. Nobody mentioned a word about Bush's domestic agenda. Not a word about healthcare, the environment, gun control, outsourcing jobs, our deficit, or education.

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  • Chaplain John (CH Morris) DIARIES from IRAQ
    Truly prayer is the privilege of the children of the Heavenly Father and I've been a grateful recipient.

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  • Chaplain John (CH Morris) DIARIES from IRAQ
    Truly prayer is the privilege of the children of the Heavenly Father and I've been a grateful recipient.

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  • Streets Smarts by Norm Brodsky: Just Say Yes
    How a Policy that sounds tough can turn into a lifeline for some.

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  • Abbie Hoffman: Steal this [Web] Book
    WELFARE It's so easy to get on welfare, anyone who is broke and doesn't have a regular relief check coming in is nothing but a goddamn lazy bum!

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  • Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...
    I will watch as some of my friends’ desires for marriage become hopeless fantasies, as civil liberties are stripped away from them and the constitution. I will watch as others struggle with life altering decisions that they will not legally be allowed to make. I will watch my nephews grow up in a country where one half of the populace believes the only civil liberty worth protecting is the right to bear arms, while my nephews’ peers shoot themselves and each other with this precious right. I will watch as the constitution, the very foundation of our country, is chiseled away bit by religious bit.

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  • Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...
    I will watch as some of my friends’ desires for marriage become hopeless fantasies, as civil liberties are stripped away from them and the constitution. I will watch as others struggle with life altering decisions that they will not legally be allowed to make. I will watch my nephews grow up in a country where one half of the populace believes the only civil liberty worth protecting is the right to bear arms, while my nephews’ peers shoot themselves and each other with this precious right. I will watch as the constitution, the very foundation of our country, is chiseled away bit by religious bit.

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  • Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...
    I will watch as some of my friends’ desires for marriage become hopeless fantasies, as civil liberties are stripped away from them and the constitution. I will watch as others struggle with life altering decisions that they will not legally be allowed to make. I will watch my nephews grow up in a country where one half of the populace believes the only civil liberty worth protecting is the right to bear arms, while my nephews’ peers shoot themselves and each other with this precious right. I will watch as the constitution, the very foundation of our country, is chiseled away bit by religious bit.

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  • Perception is Everything: Look Busy
    When I turned 16, I decided to get a job at a restaurant. I remember a young bartender telling me the secret to the working world: “Pick something up and look busy. It doesn’t matter what you are doing, just look busy.” Eight years later, I realize what a golden nugget of advice this really is.

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  • Perception is Everything: Look Busy
    When I turned 16, I decided to get a job at a restaurant. I remember a young bartender telling me the secret to the working world: “Pick something up and look busy. It doesn’t matter what you are doing, just look busy.” Eight years later, I realize what a golden nugget of advice this really is.

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  • Happy Birthday Mike Moran, Grateful Web's Founder
    How did this slak jawed local do it?

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  • Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941
    Bless the Dead and Wounded of Pearl Harbor, also victims of inept American Intelligence and failed imagination...

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  • Help write the Grateful Web Movie: "WJER RADIO"
    Submit ideas, dialouge, character development or commentary on Grateful Web's first movie "WJER RADIO" !

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  • Help write the Grateful Web Movie: "WJER RADIO"
    Submit ideas, dialouge, character development or commentary on Grateful Web's first movie "WJER RADIO" !

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  • Who would want to hurt this little girl?
    If seven African American children could integrate a white school in Little Rock in 1957 and live to tell about it, then dozens of African American children should be okay almost twenty years later in Denver, Colorado, right?

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  • Who would want to hurt this little girl?
    If seven African American children could integrate a white school in Little Rock in 1957 and live to tell about it, then dozens of African American children should be okay almost twenty years later in Denver, Colorado, right?

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  • Who would want to hurt this little girl?
    If seven African American children could integrate a white school in Little Rock in 1957 and live to tell about it, then dozens of African American children should be okay almost twenty years later in Denver, Colorado, right?

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  • Air and Water Propulsion Guy: Honey Bees get your home Buzzing
    Thirsty Hands provides true 'home made' bee products from Suzanne's Boulder Mountain Home. Each years unique flowers effect the taste of the honey we devour.

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  • Air and Water Guy: Breeding Alpacas
    Bette loved her land in the mountains near Boulder, Colorado, and was looking for a way to make that 18 acres work for her. She had horses, but they were so hard on the drought-striken land. She was thinking about having livestock that would be environmentally friendly and that would not have to be killed in order to produce income.

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  • Air and Water Guy: Breeding Alpacas
    Bette loved her land in the mountains near Boulder, Colorado, and was looking for a way to make that 18 acres work for her. She had horses, but they were so hard on the drought-striken land. She was thinking about having livestock that would be environmentally friendly and that would not have to be killed in order to produce income.

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  • Flash Fiction: The Lazy Raven by Aaron Souders
    I thought about the night I spent on a sand dune where I ran into a young woman staring into the night sky. I stared into the night with her and we watched a meteor shoot across the sky. "What do you think it means?" I asked her. "Not a goddamn thing," she said. There were no meteors streaking across the ceiling tonight.

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  • Flash Fiction: The Lazy Raven by Aaron Souders
    I thought about the night I spent on a sand dune where I ran into a young woman staring into the night sky. I stared into the night with her and we watched a meteor shoot across the sky. "What do you think it means?" I asked her. "Not a goddamn thing," she said. There were no meteors streaking across the ceiling tonight.

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  • Porchlight Prophecies
    The Porchlight Prophecies by Dustin Smith about the secret society of bugs. We want to post it serially, posting a chapter each week. -- So here is the first story.

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  • Five Poems by John Souders
    Or is it just a waste of time to look? A waste of space in our won- derful book? No! They come!

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  • Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)
    Born in Corning, Iowa - went to the University of Nebraska - Lincoln - dead at 79 - Tonight Show host for 30 years, coming through the curtains almost 5000 times. May 21st, 1992 was his last Tonight Show - Johnny died of emphysema.

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book I, Ch.2 Pill Bug’s Delivery
    “It is our way to curl into ourselves and hide from Him. But on this day, we stand unafraid to look Him boldly in the face and rejoice His fail-“

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  • Flemish Sign Language
    Like spoken languages, sign languages developed spontaneously since people wanted to communicate with each other. There are several sign languages in the world: American, French, Flemish, etc. The sign languages even differ concerning the region you’re in (e.g. for Belgium: Ghent, Bruges, etc.).

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  • Flemish Sign Language
    Like spoken languages, sign languages developed spontaneously since people wanted to communicate with each other. There are several sign languages in the world: American, French, Flemish, etc. The sign languages even differ concerning the region you’re in (e.g. for Belgium: Ghent, Bruges, etc.).

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book I, Chapter 3: Binary Existence or Primitive Politics
    Being the poacher that he was, the Fourth Emperor of Door Hinge Nook seized the opportunity to tax the naive couple. For who could resist the delicacy of under-developed wasp juices? So after dusk and before he set out to build his palace, the Emperor crept into the serfs’ quarters to extract his rightful property from the sleeping, unsuspecting couple. And delicious it was!

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  • BiRD MaN Part 1
    Raccoon family in darker hours, eight in a line, seeing the spitfire's lights freeze as one, wise rodent eyes shining back headlights from dark furry heads -- each with its right foot up in the air in step, a vaudeville show for Jack alone. They had been safely off the tar as he passes them, the last creatures to see Jack as a man, though Jack is far more worried about the Raccoons then himself.

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book I, Chapter 4: The Prince of Moths
    As was customary, her children now gathered around her on the Immense Fabric, which concealed the images of the Great Outside. Here, they'd listen to her accounts of the Times of Inconsistent Light. But this time, the fable was about the beginning of their Everlight existence.

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  • Writing Poems by John Souders
    Von was speechless. “You’re scaring me, James.” She smiled a pure smile at him. As Charlotte would say, it was radiant. “I think you can make me happy,” she said.

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book I, Chapter 5: Greasing the Mate
    The mud alley beneath the Porchlight transformed into an obsidian sea of sawing legs. Energetic virtuosos of the Night Crawling Brotherhood sharpened their dull bio-instruments to serenade the sirens they desired. The overture began as the tenors accented the melody with quick waltz triplets. Rest, Creak-Creak. Rest, Creak-Creak. The altos joined in syncopation. Cre-Cri, Rest. Cre-Cri, Rest. The lipidly larger bass section trumbled along. Crong, Rest, Rest. Crung, Rest, Rest.

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  • The Sand Dunes by Aaron Souders
    “You can only see the horizon if you walk along the ridges,” said an unexpected voice. Startled, I turned around. There stood the meteor collector, looking to the sky. I smiled at her. “You don’t have any of my meteors, do you?” she said.

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book I, Chapter VI: The Rival Light
    "Who are you?" "I am Octavian, the Last Emperor of Door Hinge Nook," the spider proclaimed. "Litanio, I am called," the fly said. "I trust the severity of your words." Soon, dozens of fireflies surrounded the Emperor's webs, each buzzing with dreadful anticipation.

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  • Aaron Souder's Early Fiction Attempts: Institutionalized
    Ford stood up and walked from the room, explaining to the orderly that Rick had tried to kill him and was wallowing in a fit of blubbering insanity. He should be locked up permanently for his own good, he explained. That man is never to speak another word.

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  • BiRD MaN Part II
    Everyone is singing Everyone but you Till it needs the high note That’s when you come through

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  • Porchlight Prophecies Book Two, Chapter 1: The Errant Spider and the Army of the Immense Fabric
    "It is only because I've known you since the cocoon that I now allow you to live," Mothoriah said sternly. "But you can no longer be in my service. From now on, you are exiled from the Immense Fabric."

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  • Brazilian Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro
    Brazilians are indeed very happy and friendly people, who like to party like there’s no tomorrow, and who, for the most part, have a very positive and spontaneous way about them, finding pleasure in simple things, and enjoying life regardless of what their social and financial situation might be…Therefore, If you ever feel like experiencing Brazil and getting to understand a little bit about its people, I recommend you drop by for Carnaval sometime. You can be a participant, or just choose to watch as a spectator..either way I’m sure the contagious energy of those passionate and exciting people will blow you away, and make you want to go back again…

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  • Brazilian Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro
    Brazilians are indeed very happy and friendly people, who like to party like there’s no tomorrow, and who, for the most part, have a very positive and spontaneous way about them, finding pleasure in simple things, and enjoying life regardless of what their social and financial situation might be…Therefore, If you ever feel like experiencing Brazil and getting to understand a little bit about its people, I recommend you drop by for Carnaval sometime. You can be a participant, or just choose to watch as a spectator..either way I’m sure the contagious energy of those passionate and exciting people will blow you away, and make you want to go back again…

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  • PRAANG Returns To Cervantes for Two-Night Stint
    Formed under a blanket of thick Colorado snow during the blizzard of 2006, PRAANG returns to Cervantes for a two night stand December 5th and 6th. Featuring Steve Kimock, Jason Hann and Michael Travis from EOTO/String Cheese Incident and Jamie Janover from ZILLA, PRAANG represents a new musical avenue for the four members to travel. Completely improvisational, spontaneous, and unrehearsed, the quartet’s music reflects their fateful existence

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  • THE ROXY IN LOS ANGELES CELEBRATES 35TH ANNIVERSARY
    Los Angeles’ THE ROXY THEATRE first opened its doors in the late fall of 1973. 35 years later, the legendary venue marks this significant milestone as one of America’s longest-running independently owned and operated establishments with two monumental shows highlighting its rich musical history: Zappa Plays Zappa December 10, 11, 12 and 13 and a New Years Eve performance by The Wailers.

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  • THE ROXY IN LOS ANGELES CELEBRATES 35TH ANNIVERSARY
    Los Angeles’ THE ROXY THEATRE first opened its doors in the late fall of 1973. 35 years later, the legendary venue marks this significant milestone as one of America’s longest-running independently owned and operated establishments with two monumental shows highlighting its rich musical history: Zappa Plays Zappa December 10, 11, 12 and 13 and a New Years Eve performance by The Wailers.

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  • Leftover Salmon to play Vail, CO + Upcoming Projects
    Leftover Salmon will perform a full two set show on December 12th at the Dobson Ice Arena. This show will be part of the Snow Daze Festival held each year in Vail Colorado as a kickoff party to the winter season.

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  • Leftover Salmon to play Vail, CO + Upcoming Projects
    Leftover Salmon will perform a full two set show on December 12th at the Dobson Ice Arena. This show will be part of the Snow Daze Festival held each year in Vail Colorado as a kickoff party to the winter season.

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  • Karrin Allyson Appearing This Weekend At The Iridium Jazz Club
    Over the years, Karrin Allyson has recorded a series of eleven CDs for Concord Records, each of which have showcased her astonishing breadth of repertoire, from standards by Gershwin and Porter to Brazilian bossa nova to samba and Thelonious Monk. She has also taken on French and Brazilian music (From Paris to Rio), the genius of John Coltrane (Ballads: Remembering John Coltrane) and the blues (In Blue).

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  • Karrin Allyson Appearing This Weekend At The Iridium Jazz Club
    Over the years, Karrin Allyson has recorded a series of eleven CDs for Concord Records, each of which have showcased her astonishing breadth of repertoire, from standards by Gershwin and Porter to Brazilian bossa nova to samba and Thelonious Monk. She has also taken on French and Brazilian music (From Paris to Rio), the genius of John Coltrane (Ballads: Remembering John Coltrane) and the blues (In Blue).

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  • Femi Kuti & the Positive Force @ Boulder Theater
    Four years after the DVD Live@Shrine, Femi Kuti returns with a generous, powerful and timeless new album, continuing to explore and push back the frontiers of Afrobeat. Thirteen titles that grab your belly, your feet, your heart and your head. From the ghettos of Lagos to the palaces of corrupt politicians, Day by Day takes us through the winding roads of African paradox. Why is such a rich continent inhabited by the world’s poorest people?

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  • Femi Kuti & the Positive Force @ Boulder Theater
    Four years after the DVD Live@Shrine, Femi Kuti returns with a generous, powerful and timeless new album, continuing to explore and push back the frontiers of Afrobeat. Thirteen titles that grab your belly, your feet, your heart and your head. From the ghettos of Lagos to the palaces of corrupt politicians, Day by Day takes us through the winding roads of African paradox. Why is such a rich continent inhabited by the world’s poorest people?

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  • BoomBox Set to Ring in the New Year at Mile High
    Kicking it all off on Tuesday, December 30th at Owsley’s Golden Road, the headline show will feature special guests Melvin Seals and JGB as well as Steve Kimock and Friends opening the night. BoomBox will take to the stage from 1:30am to 4:30am, keeping the party going until the early morning hours.

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  • BoomBox Set to Ring in the New Year at Mile High
    Kicking it all off on Tuesday, December 30th at Owsley’s Golden Road, the headline show will feature special guests Melvin Seals and JGB as well as Steve Kimock and Friends opening the night. BoomBox will take to the stage from 1:30am to 4:30am, keeping the party going until the early morning hours.

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  • Bonnie 'Prince' Billy's BEWARE Streets 3/17/09
    Though Beware shares spit with its immediate predecessor released this past summer, Lie Down in the Light, it's reach is longer and stronger, more grandiose. Where fiddle and steel contribute their rustic timbre alongside guitars and voices, a thickening thud of low tone rolls beneath, giving the record a bottom that’s fun to watch bounce in new clothes. This indensifies the air and heralds Beware as Bonny’s biggest, most ambitious record to date – yea, bigger and more ambitious than even The Letting Go! A listen or two through and you too may conclude that this could also be the great Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy contempo-country record

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  • Bonnie 'Prince' Billy's BEWARE Streets 3/17/09
    Though Beware shares spit with its immediate predecessor released this past summer, Lie Down in the Light, it's reach is longer and stronger, more grandiose. Where fiddle and steel contribute their rustic timbre alongside guitars and voices, a thickening thud of low tone rolls beneath, giving the record a bottom that’s fun to watch bounce in new clothes. This indensifies the air and heralds Beware as Bonny’s biggest, most ambitious record to date – yea, bigger and more ambitious than even The Letting Go! A listen or two through and you too may conclude that this could also be the great Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy contempo-country record

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  • Ladysmith Black Mambazo @ Boulder Theater
    Ladysmith Black Mambazo, the GRAMMY® Award winning vocal group from South Africa that has conquered nations in its own way with a joyous and spiritually charged brand of vocal music and native choreography, pays tribute to this historical icon with their new Heads Up International release, Ilembe: Honoring Shaka Zulu. Ilembe celebrates not only Shaka Zulu but the sense of perseverance, creativity and pride that he has inspired in generations of descendants.

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  • Ladysmith Black Mambazo @ Boulder Theater
    Ladysmith Black Mambazo, the GRAMMY® Award winning vocal group from South Africa that has conquered nations in its own way with a joyous and spiritually charged brand of vocal music and native choreography, pays tribute to this historical icon with their new Heads Up International release, Ilembe: Honoring Shaka Zulu. Ilembe celebrates not only Shaka Zulu but the sense of perseverance, creativity and pride that he has inspired in generations of descendants.

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  • Gene Ween Band Tour Dates Announced + New Ween CD
    Recorded live at the Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill, NC 12/9/92, the CD comes with a bonus DVD which features clips from Ween's first tour of Holland, and also Stache's in Columbus, OH. As Dean Ween says; "The whole thing is so brown that it's almost black.

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  • Gene Ween Band Tour Dates Announced + New Ween CD
    Recorded live at the Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill, NC 12/9/92, the CD comes with a bonus DVD which features clips from Ween's first tour of Holland, and also Stache's in Columbus, OH. As Dean Ween says; "The whole thing is so brown that it's almost black.

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  • Jazz Museum Events: Nov. 17-21, 2008
    The National Jazz Museum in Harlem begins an exciting full week of public programming with a conversation between executive director Loren Schoenberg and best-selling author, saxophonist and composer James McBride for Jazz for Curious Readers, whose first novel was recently turned into a film by acclaimed director Spike Lee.

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  • Jazz Museum Events: Nov. 17-21, 2008
    The National Jazz Museum in Harlem begins an exciting full week of public programming with a conversation between executive director Loren Schoenberg and best-selling author, saxophonist and composer James McBride for Jazz for Curious Readers, whose first novel was recently turned into a film by acclaimed director Spike Lee.

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  • Swing Into The Holiday Season With George Gee's Make-Believe Ballroom Orchestra
    This Holiday season, The Edison Ballroom and producer Mickey Marchello, former guitarist from the legendary New York Rock Band Good Rats, will welcome the swing era sounds of George Gee and his Make-Believe Ballroom Orchestra as they entertain guests with a new show that evokes a golden era: “Sleigh Bells Swing.” George Gee and his 22-piece Big Band offer the perfect Holiday treat for not only swing and jazz music fans, but also for tourists and tri-state area residents looking for an incredible Holiday entertainment experience.

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  • Swing Into The Holiday Season With George Gee's Make-Believe Ballroom Orchestra
    This Holiday season, The Edison Ballroom and producer Mickey Marchello, former guitarist from the legendary New York Rock Band Good Rats, will welcome the swing era sounds of George Gee and his Make-Believe Ballroom Orchestra as they entertain guests with a new show that evokes a golden era: “Sleigh Bells Swing.” George Gee and his 22-piece Big Band offer the perfect Holiday treat for not only swing and jazz music fans, but also for tourists and tri-state area residents looking for an incredible Holiday entertainment experience.

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  • The Motet performs Talking Heads @ Boulder Theater
    Performing the music of the Talking Heads, The Motet will be joined by Kyle Hollingsworth (SCI) on keys, Fuzz (Deep Banana Blackout) on guitar, Jans Ingber on vocals and percussion, Liza Oxnard on vocals, Joey Porter also on keys, Carrie Sangiovanni on background vocals and Paul McDaniel on bass.

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  • The Motet performs Talking Heads @ Boulder Theater
    Performing the music of the Talking Heads, The Motet will be joined by Kyle Hollingsworth (SCI) on keys, Fuzz (Deep Banana Blackout) on guitar, Jans Ingber on vocals and percussion, Liza Oxnard on vocals, Joey Porter also on keys, Carrie Sangiovanni on background vocals and Paul McDaniel on bass.

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  • Download Phish At The Roxy Now!
    Recorded Live February 19th, 20th and 21st, 1993, this run at the intimate Roxy Theatre in Atlanta, Georgia set the stage for many classic tripartite celebrations to follow. With the second show's near-instant legendary status cemented among fans due largely to a non-stop thriller of a second set which included feats of rock and roll greatness, including a sit-in by a spurious Gene Simmons, At The Roxy captures a magical moment for Phish and their audience during a period of peak songwriting and experimentation.

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  • Download Phish At The Roxy Now!
    Recorded Live February 19th, 20th and 21st, 1993, this run at the intimate Roxy Theatre in Atlanta, Georgia set the stage for many classic tripartite celebrations to follow. With the second show's near-instant legendary status cemented among fans due largely to a non-stop thriller of a second set which included feats of rock and roll greatness, including a sit-in by a spurious Gene Simmons, At The Roxy captures a magical moment for Phish and their audience during a period of peak songwriting and experimentation.

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  • Conscious Alliance Announces Holiday Meal Drive & Rebel Alliance Jam XIV
    Not-for-profit Conscious Alliance - feeding America's hungry through music - ramps up this year's holiday giving with the announcement of their 5th annual "Holiday Meal Drive." With the support of musicians and their fans, and this year in partnership with Whole Foods Market, the organization will deliver full holiday meals to impoverished Native American Reservations for the fifth year in a row. The organization also hosts the Rebel Alliance Jam XIV - a holiday benefit show at Boulder, Colorado's Fox Theatre on November 29th featuring Keith Moseley, Scott Law, Jeff Sipe, Gibb Droll, and special guest Kyle Hollingsworth.

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  • Conscious Alliance Announces Holiday Meal Drive & Rebel Alliance Jam XIV
    Not-for-profit Conscious Alliance - feeding America's hungry through music - ramps up this year's holiday giving with the announcement of their 5th annual "Holiday Meal Drive." With the support of musicians and their fans, and this year in partnership with Whole Foods Market, the organization will deliver full holiday meals to impoverished Native American Reservations for the fifth year in a row. The organization also hosts the Rebel Alliance Jam XIV - a holiday benefit show at Boulder, Colorado's Fox Theatre on November 29th featuring Keith Moseley, Scott Law, Jeff Sipe, Gibb Droll, and special guest Kyle Hollingsworth.

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  • Four Sushi Restaurants and the Toubab Krewe
    For lovers of atypical instrumental rock derivatives, there may be no sweeter words than Toubab Krewe. What’s a Toubab Krewe, you ask? Good question! For starters, Toubab Krewe is a band, five guys who make some of the grooviest music you’ve ever (or maybe never) heard. The only term that really sticks with any consistency is instrumental, since, as the word implies, they only play instruments sans vocals. Other than that, they are a really tough act to peg. Psychic-Afro-dub-rock comes to mind as a possibility, but somehow even that doesn’t do the Toubab Krewe justice.

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  • Four Sushi Restaurants and the Toubab Krewe
    For lovers of atypical instrumental rock derivatives, there may be no sweeter words than Toubab Krewe. What’s a Toubab Krewe, you ask? Good question! For starters, Toubab Krewe is a band, five guys who make some of the grooviest music you’ve ever (or maybe never) heard. The only term that really sticks with any consistency is instrumental, since, as the word implies, they only play instruments sans vocals. Other than that, they are a really tough act to peg. Psychic-Afro-dub-rock comes to mind as a possibility, but somehow even that doesn’t do the Toubab Krewe justice.

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  • Marco Benevento & Friends | Nathan Moore | The Flynn Space
    Many aspects of last Monday night’s show at The Flynn Space in downtown Burlington, Vermont felt as if they had been transplanted from past eras, even different locales. Nathan Moore, the opener of the festivities, was channeling the bravado and freedom of a Greenwich Village bohemian from 1962 and Marco Benevento, the band leader of the night’s all-star headlining troupe, seemed to have an uncanny resemblance in the mind’s eye to a young Miles Davis, breaking free from The Gil Evans Band in 1959 and forging his own musical path. And just like that jazz pioneer who has a stronghold on everyone’s CD collection, Marco has begun to blaze a trail all his own and, on this night, all of the musicians around him were in for a treat, just like the rest of us.

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  • Marco Benevento & Friends | Nathan Moore | The Flynn Space
    Many aspects of last Monday night’s show at The Flynn Space in downtown Burlington, Vermont felt as if they had been transplanted from past eras, even different locales. Nathan Moore, the opener of the festivities, was channeling the bravado and freedom of a Greenwich Village bohemian from 1962 and Marco Benevento, the band leader of the night’s all-star headlining troupe, seemed to have an uncanny resemblance in the mind’s eye to a young Miles Davis, breaking free from The Gil Evans Band in 1959 and forging his own musical path. And just like that jazz pioneer who has a stronghold on everyone’s CD collection, Marco has begun to blaze a trail all his own and, on this night, all of the musicians around him were in for a treat, just like the rest of us.

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  • Umphrey's Mantis Pre-Order Takes Off
    Umphrey's McGee's one-of-a-kind pre-order campaign for their highly anticipated new studio release, Mantis (January 20, 2009 / SCI Fidelity Records) is already being recognized as a brilliant and innovative use of digital technology. The power of this new pre-order concept is in the hands of the fans. Umphrey's offers fans more free bonus content the more Mantis pre-orders they receive; the fans "unlock" levels of content by getting more of their friends to pre-order the album. The idea is to give the fans incentive to help spread the word about the album, and to offer a totally unique music experience.

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  • Umphrey's Mantis Pre-Order Takes Off
    Umphrey's McGee's one-of-a-kind pre-order campaign for their highly anticipated new studio release, Mantis (January 20, 2009 / SCI Fidelity Records) is already being recognized as a brilliant and innovative use of digital technology. The power of this new pre-order concept is in the hands of the fans. Umphrey's offers fans more free bonus content the more Mantis pre-orders they receive; the fans "unlock" levels of content by getting more of their friends to pre-order the album. The idea is to give the fans incentive to help spread the word about the album, and to offer a totally unique music experience.

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  • 'Jacofest' A Tribute to Jaco Pastorius
    The late great bassist-composer Jaco Pastorius, an undeniable force on contemporary jazz during the ‘70s as well as a towering influence on two generations of musicians, will be feted at the Iridium Jazz Club in New York from November 20 - 23. Included in this all-star gala, produced by impresario Charles Carlini, are Pastorius colleagues and former bandmates like trumpeters Randy Brecker, Miles Evans and Lew Soloff, Saxophonists Alex Foster and Butch Thomas, Trombonist David Bargeron, keyboardist Delmar Brown, guitarist David Gilmore and drummer Kenwood Dennard. Featured bass players are T.M Stephens, Matt Garrison, and Jaco's son, Felix Pastorius.

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  • 'Jacofest' A Tribute to Jaco Pastorius
    The late great bassist-composer Jaco Pastorius, an undeniable force on contemporary jazz during the ‘70s as well as a towering influence on two generations of musicians, will be feted at the Iridium Jazz Club in New York from November 20 - 23. Included in this all-star gala, produced by impresario Charles Carlini, are Pastorius colleagues and former bandmates like trumpeters Randy Brecker, Miles Evans and Lew Soloff, Saxophonists Alex Foster and Butch Thomas, Trombonist David Bargeron, keyboardist Delmar Brown, guitarist David Gilmore and drummer Kenwood Dennard. Featured bass players are T.M Stephens, Matt Garrison, and Jaco's son, Felix Pastorius.

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The Grateful Shirt: Nocturnal Visions of Election Year Surrealism, or No Laundry Before Bedtime, a Cautionary Tale
by Miss Q.

I am the proud owner of a "Make Love, Not War" tee shirt from the Grateful Web. You know the one - with the provocative image of a donkey and an elephant engaged, shall we say, in an intimate act.

I've got to tell you, I love this shirt. When I first got it, I held it out and admired it. Then I hugged it and sniffed it. Yes, I sniffed it. The sense of smell is one of the wonders of mammalian life. Brand-spanking new, the shirt still bore the scent of factory-pressed cotton. The smell of hope, maybe? I took off the shirt I was wearing and put it on. I was ready to share it with the world. Make love, not war. Right on.

Unfortunately, it was already dark outside and I wasn't going anywhere but home that night. Only my family would see me sporting my patriotic new shirt. When I walked in the front door, the garment received the obligatory round of shock and amusement from my family, but that was ultimately unsatisfying. And I had only gotten to wear it for a half an hour or so. I wanted more from my shirt!

And so I stuck it in the rinse cycle with a nice, healthy shot of fabric softener, tossed it in the dryer, and wore it to bed that night. My shirt was soft and comfy, and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

When I opened my mind, I was standing outside in a park. And right there, in front of me were a donkey and an elephant, getting busy in public for all to see. Now, I have always thought sex should be a private act, but trust me, if one day you should happen upon a donkey and an elephant doing it in the park, you will find the sight too compelling not to watch. And so I stopped. And stared. Gaped, even. Au voyeur.

A crowd had started to gather. Here and there were some familiar faces from political days, past and present. I recognized folks like Newt Gingrich and Al Gore, mingling with the horde. That partying pair of Toms, Daschle and DeLay. It was quite the eclectic bunch.
In the meantime, things were getting pretty hot and heavy, and I could not tear my eyes away from the spectacle. Which, of course, made me feel a little guilty. It was time for some self analysis. A little guilt never hurt anybody, but it's important to understand where it comes from.
Just then I felt a tug at my ear. I looked down at my left shoulder and saw a strange little person standing there. Was it my conscience? Whoever she was, She looked like the Oracle from the Matrix and sounded like Sigmund Freud. She nodded cordially.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am your inner psychoanalyst."
"Umm, pleased to meet you," I mumbled. She reminded me of my grandmother. I was so busted, it wasn't even funny.
"Why are you watching these two red-white-and-blue animals get it on? Tell me, Why this is so interesting to you?" Tell me, vy diss iss so interesting to you?
"Ummm, I don't know." I didn't.
"It is maybe because you're shocked at the thought of two different species copulating?" She sounded almost hopeful.
"Nooo, that's not it." It's been done before, I thought uncomfortably, although usually unsuccessfully, right? And only under the most sterile, controlled circumstances -- for instance, in a petrie dish. In a private lab. Away from prying eyes. This, on the other hand, was a public arena. With an ever-growing crowd watching. And cheering.

"Well, what is it then?" The little analyst persisted.
"Uh, maybe it's because the donkey is on top. It looks funny." I lied. In fact, it looked perfectly natural. It looked almost too natural. What was wrong with me?
"Maybe they're taking turns," Oracle Freud suggested. She had hopped over to my right shoulder. "Maybe if we wait long enough, they'll switch."
"I hope not." It came out of my mouth before I had time to stop it.
"And why is that?" And vy iss dot? "Would you not like to see the elephant in the dominant position?" Her curious eyes bored into mine.
"Not really," I answered truthfully. The image of the elephant running the show reminded me that lying is never a good idea. Just then the crowd parted and a huge snowball went rolling by, downhill, of course. It missed the donkey and the elephant by mere inches, but they never noticed a thing. They just kept going at it.

"So let me get this straight." The mini-analyst had hopped back onto my right shoulder. "You're saying that the sight of a donkey and an elephant having it off in a public square only bothers you if the elephant is, er, giving it rather than getting it?"
"That's not what I said at all." I defended myself. I didn't mean to get off track, but somehow, a giant snowball rolling by seemed like a more urgent matter to me than the amorous animal pair. "Did you see that?"
"See what?" My analyst looked around, then shrugged. Somehow, she was back on my left shoulder again. Trying to keep up with her was just about giving me whiplash.
"Anyway," she said cheerfully. "It's likely his trunk would only get in the way." What?

"That's right. Then again," she winked,"maybe this particular pachyderm just might actually do something more imaginative with his trunk." I was all for that. I definitely prescribe to the line of thought that says if you have an extra appendage,it should be used for something other than waving around and spouting off uselessly. At the very least, you might...stick it somewhere. At that precise moment, I spotted Dick Cheney in the crowd. He was waving at me. I pretended not to see him.

"Besides, the position doesn't matter," The little oracle was still talking. She was on my right shoulder again. "The thing that's important here is the fact that they are getting together at all."

Meanwhile, our little tableaux was getting pretty rowdy. The cheering of the crowd had elevated to a virtual roar and the earth shook at regular intervals. Whomp! Whomp! Whomp! Where were we anyway, Jurassic Park? I looked around for a T-Rex, but there was only the donkey and the elephant to blame for the tremors. The crowd had gotten so big, I found myself jumping up and down just to see over their heads. Oddly, this didn't seem to upset the little oracle at all.

"Now, doesn't that just look like all kinds of fun?" she asked, in sugary tones. I noticed that now her voice sounded right, deep and comforting, the way it did in the Matrix. "It's a shame for you to just be standing here, all alone and out of things. Don't you want to get involved?"
"No, I don't want to get involved. I just want to watch!" The minute I said it, I was sorry. The twin lenses of her microscopic eyes zoomed in on me. Alas, the bug pinned under a transparent slide has no room to squirm.

"Don't go reading anything into what I just said," I tried to retract, while regaining my composure. What kind of freak did she think I was, anyway?
"Don't worry, I wasn't reading anything into anything." The psychoanalyst spoke calmly. Back on my right shoulder again, she started puffing on a rather large cigarette. Where it came from, I don't know, but it produced a very pungent, intoxicating smoke. Just then, Bill Clinton walked by, holding his breath. Suddenly, he fell right on his face. He needed to inhale.

The analyst didn't seem to notice. "But you know that old saying," she continued. "If you're not part of the solution, you're just part of the problem. And if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
"And if that happens, well," -- and here she gave an exaggerated sigh -- "let's just say I don't think you would enjoy being on the receiving end, should that old elephant find himself back on top."
Since I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on the image that particular comment conjured, I tried to change the subject.

"So, ummm, can I ask you something?"
"You sure can, sweetie," she said, puffing on her cigarette. It seemed to be getting bigger. We both watched as gigantic plumes of scented smoke rose and floated over our heads and turned into big, fluffy pastel clouds. Pink, green, yellow, blue. That was kind of nice.
"Of course you do realize, don't you," -- she looked at me pointedly -- "that I can't answer all, or even any, of your questions. I'm only here to help you ask them."
"Actually, you're the one that has been asking all the questions," I pointed out.
"So I have. And so I'll ask another one -- What do you get when you cross an elephant and a donkey?
"You have got to be joking."

"Oh, it's no joke. Although that is a good lead-in line, if I do say so myself." The little psychoanalyst shook her shaggy head, amused by her own wit.
"I asked because I really want you think about it. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a donkey?"
"I don't know, What? A donkephant? An elephonkey?" I was getting hysterical.
"No, smartass. What you get when you cross two separate species, if you manage to cross them at all, is - surprised." The oracle blew out more cloud smoke. The air was becoming thick with it.

"No, sirree, there's no telling what the outcome will be," she drew in on her cigarette. Only now it was a cigar. And the Oracle had morphed into Jiminy Cricket. "No, sirree."
Puff. Puff. "Doesn't matter if it's a lamb and a lion, a wolf and a rooster, or an elephant and a donkey. If you could get the two together in any sort of a civilized fashion at all, you just might come up with something totally unexpected. That's what's so exciting about it." He pointed a finger at me. Do crickets have fingers?

"And that's why you're so interested. You're an optimist. You want to see what could happen, believing all the while that it just might be something wonderful." Deep in my head, I heard the sentimental opening strains of "When You Wish Upon a Star." I suppressed hostile thoughts toward the cricket. I gave him my best fake smile.

Unfazed, Jiminy hopped to the other shoulder. "Entertaining though it may be, watching two animals do the wild thing isn't all that's keeping you here," he said, all wisdom and wonder. "You like to think those two might actually be engaged in healthy social intercourse. You're imagining we might even get meaningful, postive, uncorrupted results. But, at the very least, we will get healthy, explosive RELEASE!"
At that moment, a cacophonic paroxysm of trumpeting and braying erupted.

Looking around, I realized that I had been so caught up in the psychobabble that I had missed the main event. But when I tried to see if anyone seemed satisfied, everyone was gone. The crowd had dispersed, leaving artifacts of the day in their wake. Dismantled weapons lay scattered among baby bottles and scraps of old newspaper. The elephant and the donkey had exited with the audience. The grass was as green as ever. And my funny little bite-sized oracle/cricket/analyst had vanished too -- like a touch-screen vote in a peninsular southern state. I had no way to prove he, she, it had ever been there at all.

Pale pastel clouds wafted above, creating a serene afterglow. A gentle breeze was blowing, carrying the comforting, familiar scent of fabric softener. And beneath that, a different odor, deeper and somehow even more reassuring. My newly aroused animal senses analyzed the components. Factory-fresh cotton, encoded with a delicate layer of transfer ink. The smell of...hope?

I woke up and looked down at my chest. Make love, not war, proclaimed the donkey and the elephant, in all their vivid glory. A dream is a terrible thing to waste, and a shirt is a terrible thing to dream. I turned over and went back to sleep, grateful for my shirt.

Authors note: At the time I had this dream, I was still vacillating on the issue of whether to vote in the presidential election or not, and if so, for whom. I think the dream had a lot to do with that. On a broader level, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I really am an optimist. Like the creators of that naughty donkey-and-elephant logo, I guess I just can't help hoping that harmonious, satisfying consensual acts will take place between those in the political arena. It can only result in good things for our country.

 

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